“I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I keep the ends out for the tie that binds. Because you’re mine, I walk the line.” – Johnny Cash
So last week was pretty volatile for a myriad of reasons. The emotional roller coaster began last Friday and then finished up this past Friday. Instead of accepting what was happening and taking the time I needed to achieve balance, I did what I do best...push through very much to my detriment and of all of those around me. Especially the people I love the most.
It can be easy to forget that each of us walk the line daily between our dark side and light side. That each day is a chance for us to find balance, and that the occasional imbalance is bound to happen. But the choice is ours each day to be happy and live in the light. The line is not only about balance but about choosing your course, your path, and committing to what that means to your life.
To this point I have been all talk when it comes to commitment. I am one of those people that just hoped it would happen, making promises to commit to something or someone with no follow up action; thinking that intention would be enough to see me through. That is NOT how commitment works I have finally come to understand. Commitment is not a theoretical practice it is very much a practical one. You have to DO it, and you have to do it without any expectations. This can be extremely tricky.
I didn’t realize I had control issues until recently. As spontaneous as I can be, there are certain outcomes I still desire and try to manipulate into fruition. This ALWAYS ends up horribly. Time and time again I have seen how wanting control ruins things, yet I still was pushing through; trying to bulldoze my way into certain directions in life.
I was in the middle of probably the worst bout of emotional bulldozing I have had in a long while when I finally got it. I had made some empty promises, not only to someone else, but to myself. In that very powerful AHA moment, I let go. There are no guarantees in life, so control is just an illusion. Pushing will only increase your chances for the exact outcome you fear. Not only that, but it is physically exhausting. When all your mental and emotional facilities are fighting against the course of nature your body takes the brunt of the battle. I had all the signs of exhaustion, but ignored them in order to continue pushing through.
So when I finally snapped, it wasn’t a surprise. It was completely preventable, but I didn’t listen. I needlessly created misery and for what? I can’t even tell you what it was I was pushing so hard for now. As much as I want to kick myself for letting it go that far, I realize that this was a lesson that was trying to be taught to me for at least 6 months and I just wasn’t getting it.
The lesson is to stop pushing and start pulling. So that is exactly what I am doing. I took a mental health day, I slept a couple days, and I stopped making excuses for myself. Because the truth is there are no excuses for how I behaved last week. I can only apologize to others and myself and move forward. Pulling requires a lot of faith and trust; faith that you won’t fall back and trust that other people are pulling too. Pulling requires you to accept people as they are as well as accepting yourself as you are; embracing them means you embrace yourself. I am ready to embrace all of it and the truth is I think I have been ready for sometime but fear kept me from taking the chance. It is time for me to walk the line.